robot pirate scorpion

i couldn’t see this and not pass it along.

i know at this point, two months after it was published, i’m probably just stating the obvious but i’m still going to say it: this is the most inspired and amazing piece of writing in the history of the internet. perhaps in the history of peoplekind.
having said that, i must also mention why it makes me feel so stupid to write that and why reading it should make you feel both smarter and dumber at the same time- this is all common sense. or at least what i think common sense should be.
this should make you smarter if you don’t already understand and agree with a few things i accept as fact- other people’s children and pets are a pain in the ass, and people who whine and scream to get their way shouldn’t have that behaviour reinforced. this second point is particulary resonant because i have been on the other end of that too many times to count. i had a job that revolved around settling this kind of dispute. it sucked. seeing people that wholeheartedly believed that a sales transaction entitles them to anything other than the object they are buying, including berating underpaid staff and replacement items for deliberate misuse makes me feel embarrassed to even have to have a conversation with that type of person.

so i present this article, and propose we do the following together: agree that our current holy texts, the bible, the qu’ran, and the whatever elses, are useless and have done us no good thus far. in light of that we rename them “when we were Retards” volumes 1 through however many different versions there are (each religion can have their own volume), and adopt this article as our new “scriptures”. in fact, i think i’m going to start quoting from this now on in everyday life. i’ll just assume that other people have followed my lead and are doing the same, because if they aren’t then they should be. so the next time i get into a disagreement with someone over something completely unreasonable that they’ve done, i can just go ahead and punch them in the face. not only will it make me feel pretty good, but it will be completely justified. i imagine it would go something like this:

random jerk: fuck, my nose! what was that for?

me: because your bawling crotch fruit is ruining my dining experience.

rj: ok, but that doesn’t mean you can just punch me.

me: yes it does. it’s in the bible, dipshit.

rj: the bible? no it isn’t.

me: it is, you just have the old version- the one for morons. it’s in the new one- chapter 4, verses 1 and 2.

rj: why, thank you for your enlightenment, kind sir.

me: eat shit.

anyway, read it. it’s good and good for you.